Growing up is hard to do...

I am part of a family where many kids are involved; I have a lot of younger cousins, my siblings are younger than me, and we tend to be around little ones at various family gatherings. During the years I have taken on a more mature, and “parent like” figure to children whom look up to me. (Height wise, and age wise) I tend to find myself always looking out for my cousins, moving seemingly harmful objects out of their reach (scissors, butter knives, ect.), and moving their cups toward the center of the table so they are not as easily knocked over. These simple acts sometimes come off as weird to others, like I am “trying too hard to be a parent”. I do not want to be a parent YET. I adore kids, and I want to work with them for my future job. But I am not jumping the gun of young adulthood to mother anytime soon, I can assure you of that.

 

I haven’t really had a specific childhood – adulthood experience before but many little things have led up to my over protectiveness and mature standards. My parents influence in my life, has molded me into a protective person of anyone younger than myself. There have been instances in my life where I have felt that I have had to be the bigger person. Whether it was an argument with a friend or parent, or finally getting over a person or time in my life, I have felt like I have had to be mature about certain decisions. I have learned the well-known teenage tactic to nod my head and say “yup, yes, uhhuh, yeppp” when having arguments with my parents, but friends are different. I recently have changed myself and by doing this I have dropped some friends along the way. It has been rough, but there are a handful who have stayed with me the whole time and I know I can count on them for anything. I know it is important to surround yourself with people who truly make you happy and make you feel special. I have lost, or unfortunately gave up on many friends in my high school career. I never feel the urge to chase after them. This is ok. I have made a few amazing friends in the past year who I feel completely comfortable around, and who I want to be around forever. (Too bad half of them are seniors, someone forgot to tell me that befriending seniors is hard)

When I experienced my first real death to someone special to me, I felt like I only had one true day of mourning. Although I still cry about the death, I remember the experience itself as a childhood-adulthood somewhat kind of experience. I found out that he passed away the day of my return from my Washington class trip in eighth grade. I had not known he as well as others in my family had, but he was like a distant uncle to me and his presence always brought my happiness. He always knew how to make me smile, and he always commented on my basketball skills. He encouraged me before he passed to play basketball for close to five years. After he passed, I didn’t feel the enthusiasm for the sport as strong as I used to feel it. I quit basketball and changed my sport. I also had more destructive thoughts towards myself, convinced that I was growing dumber, and I didn’t take care of myself in the most effective way. Of course I have learned from this experience, but still feel the emotional pang of defeat when I walk into the middle school gym where I used to run up and down participating in one of my families favorite sports, or every time I see his girlfriend and feel her weak embrace.   I know he would be upset to see me upset so I try not to let it show but sometimes it gets me more than other times. Especially when I see his cousins re-telling the stories of how much he used to make them laugh. I wish I could thank him and ask him for his help through life, because I know we would have grown closer over the years and his advice probably would have consisted of some kind of funny joke while bringing a smile to my now darkening face, but I can only in my heart.    

I guess where I am going with this rant, is that my decisions of changing my life, and the emotional pain I have gone through, have made me feel more adult-like and I have felt mature while going through the phases of high school and life.